After a long week of procrastinating about what I should write? I resigned myself to absolutely write this today. No life's distractions going to get in my way this time. No running around wearing many hats, doing a thousand things, in a short amount of time. Taking some quiet time out. Listening to music to inspire me.
Amazing how fast time flies past us when we get consumed with just trying to survive.
I won't lie. I simply lost my motivation to write for awhile. So, off to church I marched. To grab me up some inspiration. Albeit this was last Sunday? March into the sanctuary I did. And, in seeking out inspiration that morning? I didn't have to search far. It was standing right in front of me. Pastor Scott. In his ever so wise way? He had written a sermon on inspiration. Imagine that? I needed it. God provided it. I had walked into church that morning knowing I NEEDED to be there. I had been lax in going to church lately. Consumed with life. Consumed with everything going on around me. My kids' lives. Friends' lives. If I could inadvertently be involved in something?
So, here I sat in church, listening. Nothing mattered more to me than those precious 40 minutes. Did I feel inspired when I left that morning? No. I had the seeds. I just needed to nurture them. But, how, I would ask myself? It seemed like the more I tried? The further it would slip away from me.
Having conversations and debates about different news articles and events this week caused me to lose faith in humanity.
A mother killing herself. And, her two children.
It was not an every day, average story. And, it's stuck with me ever since.
I identified with that woman in a very monumental way. I could not imagine what she felt. I could not even compare with the thoughts that must have gone through her mind at that exact moment. I'm a mother myself. I cannot imagine how I could ever kill my children. Then myself. But, what I can identify with was the desperation. The feeling that I was in it all by myself. The overwhelming feelings of resentment. Name the emotion that this woman felt at that time? I probably felt them, too, at one time in my life.
I'm no stranger to Depression. Diagnosed close to 15 years ago, it has been the demons I fight every day. Every week. It sneaks up on me without warning at times. It ambushes me on others. Once it gets a grip on you? It is indeed a battle. Once it gets a hold of me? It's a gradual descent which can be triggered by everything and nothing at all for me. Then I just cry when spoken to. I can't function. I just want to lay down and sleep. I struggle every day to smile on the outside. But, I'm being torn up inside. And? My life is perfectly fine. While it's not perfect? Once depression gets a hold of you? Nothing and anything good? You simply don't see. You don't feel.
Years of traumatic events in my life have brought it up to the surface 15 years ago. I had a breakdown. Years of therapy and a very understanding therapist along the way? Reaching a hand into the abyss to bring me back up from the ashes. Giving me the inspiration to go on one more day. To fight the obstacles. To survive life. To function. To learn how to live in a very cruel world.
Reading about this mother and what she has had to endure to bring her to the decision to kill herself? Sucked me right back into all those things of the past that also caused me at one time to also feel all alone with no one to understand the pain inside. While I don't condone her killing her two precious boys? A sense of peace had come to me about this young woman and her death. Because, her act of selfishness? Was not as it appears to those of us who are trailed by those demons she had following her, too. All we wish for?
For the pain to stop.
For myself? I am identifying with this young woman. Her act of what appeared to be selfish to everyone else? Was a sacrifice of love to the rest of us that have experienced, continue to experience those demons. It's a world that no one could even begin to understand. We may never understand the why's of why her two young children had to die? We cannot dwell on the surface reports of this young woman's life. Because, we, in fact? Would never begin to identify with it.
It's taken me a week to come to terms with the reports about this young woman, her husband, her family, her life, her children, her home life. She had dreams and aspirations. She worked hard towards her teaching degree. She was someones daughter. Someones sister. Someones wife. Someones friend. Someones mother. We could blame a lot of factors for her death and that of her children. But, none of that really matters. What matters is what drove her to that final act of her life.
Her outlet was ripped away from her when her electricity was turned off. While to you and I it may seem as if she was consumed with the internet. But, it was her escape from the pain. Her outlet to a world that she wanted to be a part of. We don't know who she was talking to. We have no clue as to what she was doing or what she was feeling prior to that final act. I can feel as if her heart was indeed broken. Thrust into a world of pain she felt no one would understand. She felt alone. She died alone. This did not need to happen.
It breaks my heart and I did not even know this young woman. But, I CAN identify with her pain. I was there in that spot a few times in my lifetime. God had different plans for me obviously. Because I'm still here. Writing this to you right now. But, during those moments? I did feel so very alone in the world. My problems were too great for me to endure.
We've all said at one time, jokingly, "I just want to lay down and die". It takes a truly broken heart to feel that way. The world to me? Had no windows. No doors. It all seemed like it was a very long hallway with no escape at times. I can't imagine how this young woman felt. In a world where the doors and windows were non-existent. When the power got shut off in her house? It was when she truly felt as if it was shut off, literally, for her young life.
While we have attempted to make sense of this senseless act of desperation when someone takes their own life? So many questions are left behind. So many questions that will never be answered. Or have an answer. No matter how much we try to rationalize it. I have learned from those same experiences of literally being on the edge of the forever abyss? That when someone reached in and grabbed a hold of me? And, yanked me back into life? That as painful as it may be to live? That as long as there was at least ONE person that understood where I was? That was my light in the tunnel. The doors and windows slowly, gradually, opened. That I COULD do this. That I had a purpose in this life. That God truly loves me. To look upwards. Not backwards. Not to either side. But, forward. I had so many reasons to live. That if I had done the same thing? The pain may go away for myself. But, will live forever in those left behind.
It reminded me of a song:
"Playground school bell rings again...
Rain clouds come to play again..
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I am your mind giving you someone to talk to
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday" (Evanescence)
I still tell people "don't try to fix me. I'm not broken". I cry. A few times a week when life goes into overload, and information overload for me. I retreat into my world. To escape. To try and make sense of life. And, all the many struggles it brings. No one would notice it because it's not something you look for in a depressive.
We all have a depressive trigger in us. No one is exempt. Some of us show it more than others. Some of us have a hard time hiding the pain going on inside.
I'm pretty sure this young woman cried when no one was looking. I am pretty sure she felt all alone in her circumstances. She is not the only one. There are people out in the world, that daily are on that edge of the abyss waiting to just jump over and be done with it. They are seeking final peace.
Don't get me wrong? In some instances suicide is too easy a way out for some people. But, it seems as though, this young woman really did think this through. It's not the ones we hear speaking about suicide we worry about the most. It's the ones we don't hear. And, she was speaking. She will continue to speak beyond death.
I have prayed that in death she has found peace within her soul. She will be tormented by the death of her children, even in death. Yes, she will have to answer to God for her actions. But, it's not up to the rest of us to bestow judgement upon her. Or her family.
As angry as I was toward her husband? Someone I did not even know? I had to ask God for great strength and a sense of forgiveness. Because, we will never really KNOW the why's to this senseless act of hers. But, those living and left behind? Will never have answers.
We are never alone. We have crisis lines to call. We have churches to run to. We have family to talk to. We have friends to talk to.
I don't know how many times that I've had a depressive episode that I could not explain to someone? That I've cried without knowing why. That I've begged to leave to withdraw into myself. I have outlets. I write. I listen to music. I fight back the demons of depression so that they do not consume me. So that they do not render me helpless and dysfunctional. I sit in the sanctuary of the church and just let it all go. I've cried on many shoulders and they never understood. They don't have to. As long as I knew someone was there? I could cope. I could go on.
Random strangers come up to me daily. And, they talk. About things going on in their lives. And, here I am a stranger to them. But, yet they do it daily. I carry with me, stories of strangers with things going on in their lives that I could never understand. A piece of me identifies with them. These people are all around us every day. Some struggle with demons in their lives we could never begin to understand.
Instead of walking away? Stop and listen. Even if you don't understand. Let God guide you to do the right thing if you truly feel as if the person truly feels all alone in this world with their problems. Give a shoulder and an understanding ear.
It could prevent the other "Dawns" in this world from doing something we may never have the answers to later.
I would know.
I am a "Dawn."
God has given me eight reasons all these years?
To fight back.